I'm a hopeless selfish fool, with more optimism than sense, risking loves that mean the world to me for the sake of having met someone new that I quite like, fancy, and want to know better. Yes, I should be able to see someone else without hurting people in the process, but the mere fact of not wanting to hurt them isn't enough, I have to actually behave in a way that isn't hurtful too, instead of just thinking of myself all the time.
I love Richard more than anything, and still intend to spend the rest of my life with him, and I love Jan dearly too. I don't want to risk either of those relationships, not for anything or anyone. I hate to see them in pain and know it's my fault, but saying sorry isn't going to help. Hopefully behaving better will though, and I can show you both I really mean it and it's not just words and guilt.