Eleanor Blair (lnr) wrote,
Eleanor Blair
lnr

random thoughts

Strange mood. Slightly weepy and wistful, but mostly happy. Odd combination. Glad to talk to pinkbeast a bit though about old times. I do still miss him sometimes, and you can't help thinking "what if?" but we're both happy where we are now and there's no going back and changing things. There are other regrets back there, boyfriends loved and lost, usually my fault. I miss Matthew too, and regret what happened with Ian terribly still, even it's gradually fading, but I dunno why it's David I miss most. Perhaps because I still see him around, and fall out about things occasionally and giggle on irc and whatever. Constant reminder that he's not there any more, in the way the others aren't so much. I hope we'll always be friends though, and able to look back at the good bits and smile.

Various places talking about poly/mono relationships at the moment, and my head's still all up in the air about stuff. I don't know what I'm happy with or where I want to be. I do know how much Richard means to me though, and that I mean as much to him too. And I love Jan dearly in a way somewhere between that and friendship. Where things will end up in the long run I dunno, but I think I'm happy with stuff as it is at the moment, though the jealousy never goes away completely. Looking to the future with hope and a feeling of content though at the moment.

Odd entry, taken ages to write, trains of thought in the middle of sentences and so on.
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