Eleanor Blair (lnr) wrote,
Eleanor Blair

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Sometimes I wonder what I've done

We all make decisions we regret in life. Most of mine are a long time ago. And the latest one has probably been made for quite a long time really and there's no going back, but I wish it didn't have to be like that. I never wanted to drift away. And I don't know what I'm doing with my life either. This week was a really stupid time to go and leave the last of the ADs at Mike's. New prescription on Monday at least, and I can probably pick up the tail end of the packet before then. But in the meantime I've just cried my way through last week's Dr Who, which Ian's opinion notwithstanding I enjoyed. And despite a lovely evening last night with Ned, Beth, Mobbsy and Mike, and a lovely night and breakfast with Mike's company I feel adrift. Mike's dissatisfaction with life *does* rub off and feel like dissatisfaction with me even though he tries to reassure me it's not. And I don't feel like I have much to offer beyond fun in bed and company at gigs and things at the moment.

I had a dream last night. Jen on #tropic has been having nightmares all week, maybe it's catching. But I dreamt anyway and somehow my fear and insecurity and so on were actually enough to make Mike ill, in a being poorly way not a throwing up in disgust way. And it was ruining life for all my friends too. There was some strange stuff about a irc/livejournal type crossover thing where I was trying to communicate when drunk and it was like trying to write with fridge poetry and I couldn't find all the right letters, and there was some sort of thing where I was in a wedding dress in a little chapel thing trying to talk about stuff, and a priest came in with a baby to christen and we all ended up acting as though we were christians too, and making little prayers and kneeling down at the altar and it was all a bit weird. But it was the insecurity and horribleness that stuck with me when I woke.

If we could go back and change things how far back would I go. Each mistake, each person I've hurt, they all seem to have been some sort of inevitable progression, and yet I know there are times where if I'd been less selfish I could change things. And maybe I should never have tried seeing anyone at all. How can I try and build anything with anyone with the constant feeling I'm just going to do it again. That even if somehow we can cope with being miles apart with completely different lives how can Mike ever feel like I'm worth trying to be with if in 1, 2, 8 years it'll just fade and someone else will come along and he'll be the one being left behind. JT, Ian, Matthew, David, Richard. All I can say is I'm sorry. And keep on hanging on to the good things in life and making them matter. Because sometimes it's all that we've got.

And now the sun's shining and the sky is blue and the raindrops on the window are sparkling and I'm going to pull myself back together for a bit and do some shopping for food online so we don't starve next week. And maybe I can buy vaguely healthy stuff and try again to do something about the weight that's making me feel fat and worthless and have one less thing to beat myself up about. Because if there's one thing I feel it's that I don't deserve to go around feeling so sorry for myself. More Dr Who later, and a quiet night tonight I think. Perhaps I'll watch Eurovision. That has to be good for switching off for a bit.

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