February 2nd, 2004


OK, a real update

I barely seem to have written much at all the last couple of weeks, other than about the books I have read. Partly there hasn't been much to write about. This weekend I've mostly spent in bed reading or sleeping since I've been full of cold, and I haven't been out much in the evenings lately, partly because I've been very tired and partly because Richard has been ill too. On balance though I'm struggling a little at the moment.

Work is gradually wearing me down and making me more and more miserable and I'm doing less and less of it, and despite visits to a psychiatrist, sessions with a counsellor and increasing dosages of ADs things aren't getting better and I can't see how to make them start doing so any time soon. I've been glad to be ill, so as not to have to go into the office, and this is a bad sign. But I'm not feeling hopeless, or not completely. I really *must* make myself go and talk to James about it though. It feels very mucb as though the department is happy to carry on quietly ignoring me while I muddle through as best as I can and I don't think this is going to work. At least I've made a start in telling Paul how I feel. I do wish it could all just go away sometimes.

So I guess that's why I've been so quiet recently. And I'm sorry if I've been not keeping in touch. I miss seeing people a bit, but I'm not terribly good company. I'm very short on small talk at the moment. Curling up with people watching telly or staying curled up on my own with a book are the things that are keeping me going at the moment, even if they're not terribly sociable.

Is this a meme?

Inspired by ghoti. I have just added reading and thunderstorms to my interests list. Your challenge, should you choose to accept it, is to add one interest from my list, or one of my friends' or one of your friends' lists of interests, then report back.

On my previous subject I was at the doctors this evening and bumped into Dan, which was nice. The doctor has (on the psych's suggestion) increased my dosage of ADs again. He asked if I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, to which I replied that I couldn't, but that I still believed it was there. He thinks depression is a difficult illness to be suffering from, because while he's seen many patients get better there's no simple pattern where you can say take one of these a day and in a week's time you should have seen this improvement. I'll get there eventually though.