October 9th, 2003


I must be feeling better

My brain seems to be working again. Though not in a terribly useful way. I feel hopeless and useless and like everything wrong with my life is pretty easily attributable to my own laziness and cowardice and self-interest. That it has been for years. And I can't see a way out. My job, my degree (and the previous versions of both), my weight, my finances. They could all be fine if I wasn't so lazy about all of them. And I know it's partly depression, but the depression isn't what got me here in the first place, even if it's what stops me getting out.

Should I just quit my job? Or out and out tell them to get a move on and fire me? I need the money really, and I don't see what other job I could get that would pay as well but wouldn't be at least as bad in terms of me getting anything done. I hate it. I hate being a complete failure.

Oh well

A good rant, a good cry, and getting most of the washing up done, has made me feel a bit better. I have things to be thankful for, good friends, a lovely house, a wonderful boyfriend. None of them are perfect, but then nothing ever is.