August 28th, 2003

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Why?

I'm feeling distant from everyone and everything at the moment. Empty. Feeling like there's no point at all in carrying on, if all there is is to spend most of my day staring at a screen feeling guilty and alone. But there's no way to stop. Can't get off the merry-go-round, gotta keep on smiling. And I feel like I shouldn't be saying this when there are other people who are as bad or worse. Should keep trying to help them feel better. Instead of retreating from friendships because they hurt, and trying to pretend that's not what I'm doing. It's hard to be friends when Richard's not talking to people, and they don't really seem to want to talk to him either, and when I can't face leaving him home alone, or dragging him out to be miserable and make everyone else feel awkward too. So in a way the distance is a barrier I'm putting up around myself and retreating behind but while I know it doesn't help I can't stop myself. And I can't stop feeling bitter about everything. I don't want to be here, I don't want to be saying this, but I have to let it out somehow. And I feel sick at myself for begging for sympathy and pushing it away at the same time. Consider me as hiding under the duvet in tears telling everyone to leave me alone and go away, but at the same time being hurt if they don't ask if I'm OK. It's stupid and childish, but it is how I feel.
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Silly

Feeling calmer and brighter now (that sounds like a weather report).

The question is should I feel like a fool for posting a big wibble, given I'm apparently fine only a short while later, or should I be convinced that actually if I hadn't posted it I probably wouldn't be feeling better. Virtual hugs and marshmallows from Jan are a large part of it. Another part is just the release of having gone "AAAARRRRGHHHH!!!!". On balance perhaps I should just not think about it too much and just hang on to feeling OK.

Time to find some lunch.