February 2nd, 2003


Up and Down

Seem to be on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster at the moment, up and down like the proverbial tarts knickers.

Got up on Friday, ooohed at the snow and eventually got on our way and headed down to London. Journey was fairly uneventful, slight detour via Euston since Kings Cross underground station was shut when we arrived, but we got to Kake's in fairly good time and had a pleasant evening. Didn't drink in the end but got rather mugged by other peoples' left over pizza, which was very unfair when I'd carefully ordered something more diet-friendly. Lots of them obviously had eyes rather bigger than their bellies or something. Much giggling was had, and nice company, just the right sort of size for a pleasant party, and a reasonable mix of people we did know and nice people we hadn't met before.

Slept on the airbed in the living room, which wasn't the best way to sleep in the world but better than the floor, and woke rather earlier than would have been preferable given when we got to sleep. Went and pottered round Borough market for a bit and bought food, including Irving the crab who we carried home carefully on the tube just so we could say we'd done it (and who later turned out to be a girl, she tasted nice though). Spent a while watching Jody playing Vice City on the playstation, which was moderately amusing, but things started to go downhill from there somehow. Both rjk and I were feeling knackered and inxplicably down: and when he feels down I start feeling worse which doesn't help. We were beginning to think we weren't in a very partyish mood and to be almost decided to just go home instead when we realised someone had accidentally put a large hole in the inflatable mattress, which more or less clinched it. We did stay long enough that I got to try some of Marna's nice sushi though. Mmmm, yum. Left around 9, got home around midnight having caught one of the stops-everywhere trains. More snow left in Cambridge than in London, though there seems less of it this morning.

Still feeling a bit down, though at leats my computer is now working again and we have an idea as to what the problem might have been (very loose video card). It's 2:30 though and I'm still in my dressing gown. I've had 2 cups of coffee and I can't quite be arsed to go get dressed or to find food, and the news of the shuttle is just kind of not hitting my properly but still making me feel bad. It's weird when things like that happen and you completely miss them until long after the fact. Very much struck by mobbsy pointing out how many more people were killed in a much more ordinary accident in Zimbabwe though without anyone paying much attention.

I wish I didn't fret so much when Richard was down though, I always feel so useless when I can't help, and at the moment I end up feeling like he's happy when he's with other people doing stuff but not when he's with me, which isn't a very nice feeling, despite the fact I know it's not really the case. I do sometimes wonder if we'd both be happier if we just called it a day though, and I don't really believe it for an instant but it's a horrible thought. And I certainly don't want to get to a point where I feel like it's just the complicatedness of owning a house that's holding us together. I just want us both to be happy again dammit, and I don't know how to do it.


A pleasant evening, chinese food, lovely company, half a bottle of wine and two double tequilas and I'm feeling rather chirpier. Typing is something of a challenge though.