Eleanor Blair (lnr) wrote,
Eleanor Blair
lnr

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Kitties

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Fed up of being fed up now. RJK being lovely. Doesn't make it go away though. It's OK to know I've got to give it time but how long? Even the electrician in the dept was asking if I was OK today, and I only know him to say hi in the corridor.

Update: Damn, and now I know he's back (posting to usenet) and I have new mail and I'm scared even to see who it's from never mind read it. I'm sick of a week of peering at phones wondering if he's going to say anything in response to a texted hug. I'm sick of feeling like I'm not allowed to miss him, but I do feel like it's unfair to expect anything of him when I'm the one who did the leaving in the fire swamp. Fed up of feeling guilty for loving someone and not being able to stop. Fed up of feeling so bad I can't work or sleep and I'm not convinced about eating. Fed up of the headaches and the stomach feeling sick too. Sick of keeping it all inside because I don't want to hurt anyone else. I don't want to hurt any more.
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