Eleanor Blair (lnr) wrote,
Eleanor Blair
lnr

Calmer

Lovely evening round at Jan's. Sion and Simes disappeared upstairs for a massage and we promised utterly unfaithfully not to giggle at them, but in fact spent the evening holding hands on the sofa and talking. It's just so good to actually *talk* to someone for a change. To say what I'm feeling and for them to talk about what's bothering them. And god knows if there are any solutions to any of it but I feel so much better for it. So thanks love.

I think Richard does need to talk to August soon, because it does seem to be making him more and more stressed worrying about it at the moment. Jan suggested perhaps if we were all around together for a coffee or something and then left them to it for a bit it wouldn't feel quite so much like Gawain going off to the Green Knight to have his head chopped off. When I decided it would be better for me not to see August in the meantime until they'd had a chance to talk and maybe sort things out I wasn't really expecting it to be over a week later and for things to be the same, if not worse. I can't go on like it indefinitely, I *do* still want to get back to a point where I can see him again, even if it has to be as just friends in the first instance, but more than that in the long run. I miss him, especially when he goes 36 hours without mailing me. I'm sure it's not meant to hurt but it does. And if he thinks I'm not worth the effort any more the least he could do would be tell me.

So that's kind of how I've been feeling today. It's lifted a bit now, and I hope in feeling hurt earlier that I didn't manage to hurt August. I've deliberately written this entry without reading anything from anyone else in response to mail or my earlier entry this evening. I think I've spent too long not saying *anything* because I don't want to hurt people.
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