Eleanor Blair (lnr) wrote,
Eleanor Blair

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Jealousy and confusion

I don't understand myself sometimes. A couple of weeks ago I was jealous at the thought of Jan and August being together. By the weekend it had evaporated and all I wanted to do was get Jan to realise he did love her. Now maybe she does realise it, and I'm feeling jealous again. What do I lose? Nothing. I was having a lovely evening yesterday just as much as anyone else. August doesn't stop loving me. What do I gain? Hopefully she's happier, which has been all I've wanted for days. And I still feel horrible. I don't want to change anything though, I know it's something I can work through and get over again. I just want to give myself a slap in the meantime for being so bloody daft.

I'm more worried that Jan doesn't seem to want to talk to me though, and I can't put any of that into words here somehow.

Update: I am in fact even more of a daft thing than I thought I was. It wasn't that Jan didn't want to talk about something, just that we'd talked a bit on irc and she hadn't realised how upset I still was by it (since I hadn't actually made it clear), so didn't realise I still wanted to talk. I am a fool. But at least now that's out in the air it's a huge weight off my mind, although I feel bad for making such a mess of sorting it out at least it *is* sorted. And I feel *so* much better I wonder how much of the feeling horrible was jealousy at all. Because suddenly I don't mind at all again. Oh I *really* don't understand me at all.

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