I'm more worried that Jan doesn't seem to want to talk to me though, and I can't put any of that into words here somehow.
Update: I am in fact even more of a daft thing than I thought I was. It wasn't that Jan didn't want to talk about something, just that we'd talked a bit on irc and she hadn't realised how upset I still was by it (since I hadn't actually made it clear), so didn't realise I still wanted to talk. I am a fool. But at least now that's out in the air it's a huge weight off my mind, although I feel bad for making such a mess of sorting it out at least it *is* sorted. And I feel *so* much better I wonder how much of the feeling horrible was jealousy at all. Because suddenly I don't mind at all again. Oh I *really* don't understand me at all.