Eleanor Blair (lnr) wrote,
Eleanor Blair
lnr

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On a more serious note

Ernie (who I think I'm going to have to call that for a while to avoid terminal confusion) points out that it seems contradictory for me to be pulling when I've said that it's not something I was trying to do. And I've certainly told enough people lately that I'm not on the pull. I'm not sure I can untangle that completely. I mean while in some way I feel like "it just sort of happened" it certainly wouldn't have if I hadn't gone with the flow and been moderately encouraging. In the Kambar we just danced and grinned at each other, I didn't have to ask Mike for his phone number. I didn't have to go out for a drink, and I didn't have to say yes when he asked for a kiss at closing time. (After that it all got a bit more inevitable, but even so I could have stopped if I wanted). So obviously some part of me really wanted this. Even while the rest of me didn't go out on purpose looking for it. And part of me still thinks that it's a bad idea while I'm still so fond of Ernie.

And I don't want to spend the rest of my life falling from one boyfriend to another just because they happened to be interested and nice when I was (briefly) single (or not even that). I've spent the last 12 years going from one partner to another with little or no break, or lots of overlap. It'd be good for me to take a longer than 3 month break from that. But if I meet someone really nice and fun, who seems to think I'm nice and fun too, and it seems like I have, should I turn my back on it? Well, we'll see. But I am going to meet up with him again later this week, and I'm looking forward to it.

Tags: life
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